today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
