I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
