i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I have tasted many bathrooms
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
