walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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