You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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