how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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