you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
