my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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