Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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