took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize