yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
