Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
