i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
