He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
