if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
