today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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