i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
