I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
