Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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