I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
