last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
