look no pants
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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