i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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