I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
