When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
