We're like a lot better than the average bears
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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