Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Success! We fucked roommates!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
