I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize