Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
