If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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