OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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