So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
