Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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