I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
