oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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