$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
