You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
