Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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