Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
