Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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