I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
