im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
