I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
