If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
