i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
