We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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