I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
