I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
