woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
