WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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