we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
