My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
