i think i have two assholes
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
