I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
