I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
