i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
